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Thursday, January 8th, 2004
5:20 pm - bore me to death

alright. ill put here. in this dieing community what i meant when i said.
my neck feels warm.
i can't stop.
why all this plague all over the place?
am i insane?
is this ABSTRACT.
Saturday, December 27th, 2003
3:31 am - this was for you...

...but now you're, once again, too obscure to be my friend, so you can have it here, in this dying community. it needs alot more nourishment than i can provide, but i'll help when i can...
you are a double life lived in my head. a foreign bed i can't comprehend. no way to embrace you or escape you. all i can do is create you... wrenched from sleep, you're haunting again. no way out, no way in. linger longer in my wake, these pulls off my composure i cannot placate. so i set you adrift not knowing what i held to begin with, and trust that someday for the first time, we will meet again...
Monday, December 15th, 2003
4:49 pm - twitch twitch

if a thing dies that means he was poorly medicated.
if he lost weight that means he was not touched.

especially if it's flesh is made from those who are in it.

you who helped me give rise to this community do not support it.
only i seem to truly love it.
i did not kill it, i tried to feed it well. i tried not to make it sick.
but it will be sick until raised high like a banner by all who adore it
and if you love it not i will love it myself
i will sacrifice all i have to make it whole.
and it will be a wolf that nibbles on me alone.
Wednesday, October 1st, 2003
5:21 pm - jkx 24th ordinary

hour of the thought.

right now. it seems unfortunate that "i" can only glimpse at a fraction of my length. my life lies trapped in no single frame, but a mass act to be completed.

so now i worry in hurry.

and it seems that the portals of opportunity are closing and opening all around. i only receive the image of cement as i look down.
1:35 am - fields are empty variation
wombanne your mind rolls down a hill like a rock
frees itself from the ground on a ramp into the sky!

harvesting has just begun / ride metallic horse into field / dogs of war bay with gloves instead of cries / blisters and sore instead of fur / corn mother hides corn children from us / sky is gray and thick like concrete / it grinds our heads when we move too fast / water that bleeds through it soaks clean / horse sows rust into field / and from war we reap corn

the whole thing reaks of "bean serfs," and "tomato samurai."

why not post something for delight of the season?
Tuesday, September 9th, 2003
12:34 am

There was a
ward in a hospice for the terminally ill,it contained 12 beds. The
walls were about 12ft high and painted brown. At one end of the ward
in the cornner was a window 1ft wide and 2ft high at bed height also
there were 4 slit frosted glass about 10ft up the wall you could not
see anything other than darh and light. A new person came into the
ward and was lucky enough to get the bed by the window in the corner
and if the person learned on bedside table the person could see out
of the window. the person saw a green field with some children
playing, the person told this to the other people. A few days later
the person told them about a circus tent being put up and the
children making floats for a parade.One person in the ward complained
to the nurse saying it was not fair that one person should be by the
window all time, the nurse listend and carried on with their
duties.Over the next few days the person by the window would tell
everyone how the children worked on the floats.But the other person
kept complaining the nurse smiled and carried on with their
duties.The person by the window told the other people it appears the
parade with the floats,children and animals is the next day because
everything is now completed. The children are now playing and look
happy.But that afternoon the person by the window died.The person
that had complained said to the nurse now the person has died can i
have the bed by the window,and that night the person got thier way.In
the morning the person was woke up by the other people saying tell
us,tell us is the parade ready to start,what are the children doing
so person leaned on the table by thier bed and the nurse opened the
shabby curtain the person looked out of the window and saw a wall
6ft from the window the person could not see the top of the wall,in
front of the wall were bins of rubbish and old junk.The other people
said tell us, tell us, tell us of the parade and the children tell us
of the parade and the children tell us what are they doing the person
looked at the other people and then at the nurse standing there, The
nurse said tell them, tell them. WHAT DO YOU SEE?
Wednesday, June 25th, 2003
6:09 pm - the cream

bxli: so this is your city? one million bees inside a concrete corps in trade for a community to live in, a way of life to lead, a culture to steal? it must be what they want.

bxli smiled at itself.

deep in that city: jon: the other day i had this dream that i was asleep by a computer. i got to the computer because someone used software to do some fraud, you know, dumb dream plot stuff. when i woke up a woman lied on me. i tried to run and she chased after me, randomly changing into things. a trilobite, floating orbs. everything she changed into would ripple and have a beige color to it. she jumped into canals of water to pursue me. i said to myself "she must be like a sylph." this was inaccurate because she was like a nixie. sylphs are air spirits, not water. symbolically in the dream i had tried to pick up young girls but they were not interested. this contrasted to the nixie who was beutiful but i still ran away. when i woke up i remembered that nixies supposedly rocked at the sex but always drowned their victims. it seemed to hold true for the idea that you only want what you can't get. it seems like all the women that are interested in me send of that "ACHTUNG! BAD NEWS" thing in me somewhere. i should learn to love what i have, but will that prophetically cause me to sink? vangunk said that art was like a pearl, the product of an oysters pain. i hear that happiness and good love destroys art. does this mean that in a way if i am happy with one kind of beuty [strong women] it numbs me to the other kind [productive virtue]? well cindy, what do you think?"

cindy;"fuck yourself"
Tuesday, June 24th, 2003
3:14 pm - Some "broken pictures" I said i would post awhile back...


"Angels" by Addam Jan. 2000.

taken in the morning, after an evening of decadent, excessive, drug enhanced partying and recklessness. the girl with me (who is crouched- i am the one standing) I had just met. A year later, we became dire enemies. This was taken in a decripit attic w/ a Black and White poloroid camera. He then altered the negatives by hand in a makeshift black room to get the contrasting effect somehow...
My favorite I don't have right now, but will try to get... We're curled up together, under a tiny ratty baby blanket, naked and looking absolutely shattered off in a murky corner w/ a low angled ceiling.
waaaaa. I'll post it when I have it in my possesion again...
Thursday, June 12th, 2003
3:17 pm - anyone ever read this? I haven't...

I was given a leather bound journal as a gift on my birthday last Halloween
with this written on the back page.

There was a veil
through which I could not see
There was a door
for which I had no key
I sent my soul through that invisible
Some secret of the afterlife to dispel
And my soul returned to me and answered
I myself am Heaven and Hell.

-Omar Khayyam
The Rubaiyat

Tuesday, June 3rd, 2003
2:04 pm - Rotton apple's don't infect the bunch...it's their choice to be infected...

Very well, I'm new here.

Here's a suggestion for your interests: Population Control.

People hate hate crimes. I just found that funny.

current mood: funky fresh
Tuesday, May 6th, 2003
7:34 am - Meteora, Greece

Friday, March 28th, 2003
8:26 am - done with it

I am completely finished with apologizing for myself. Each apology made is a mark against my character. I have lent so much breath to telling others never to apologize for who they are, and find that it is about time that I follow my own advice. Apologies that stem from my behavior imply that somehow my identity is something that is unhealthy and needs to be forgiven... an opinion that I have owned for far too long and that I must fight against from here on out.

I make myself angry for doing the things that I do, for handling situations with a manner that is less than graceful, or less than acceptable. Perhaps there are rules that I am not following?

I may anger myself, but I will no long apologize for it.
Sunday, March 16th, 2003


You have just entered room "cthulhu party land."
disembrainer: waiting on third member
PharaSekh: you are full of shit.
disembrainer: you are full of enemas
disembrainer: so howd your warning level get so 13%??
PharaSekh: i warned some kid, so he returned the favor.
PharaSekh: it was fun.
disembrainer: super
PharaSekh: i think chats are always fun with warm tea and flails at the table side.
disembrainer: teas for fags.
disembrainer: i just ate like 15 poptarts
disembrainer: that makes me superior
sprainedcake has entered the room.
disembrainer: there.
PharaSekh: i ate 5 cocks. makes me dreamy.
disembrainer: everyone else this is everyone else
sprainedcake: aulck? i was just typing you a message
disembrainer: so, brent, we're gonna start an infinite word association game
sprainedcake: friend sent a link that had inifinite popups
disembrainer: you in?
sprainedcake: had to restart computer
disembrainer: ah
sprainedcake: sure
PharaSekh: we can do it for months the way i see it.
disembrainer: more than months
PharaSekh: i am thinking about limitations, like x syllables, words, one sentence. something like that.
sprainedcake: well i go to bed at 3a.m. eastern standard
disembrainer: i figure the limitation should be only one word/idea/etc.
sprainedcake: and i may be doing more than one thing at a time here
disembrainer: like you can say "spastically gyrating hen cocks"
disembrainer: but not "we went to the store to eat death"
sprainedcake: hahahahahahaha
disembrainer: like you can describe it all you like.
sprainedcake: we went to the store to eat death!
disembrainer: but it has to be centered around one word. idea. sense etc.
sprainedcake: man that's a concept all by itself
disembrainer: its called baskin and robins i think
PharaSekh: that sounds good, but people might start making statements. i hate fucking opinions.
PharaSekh: WAR IS EVIL
disembrainer: we can outline it in the initial post
sprainedcake: opinions are okay as long as everybody gets killed
PharaSekh: i don't want anyone getting any kind of healthy thought provoking progession of their lives out of this
PharaSekh: retarded shit only
sprainedcake: boy do i have a cd for you!
PharaSekh: no "i finally understand the source of my problems" or some shit
disembrainer: oh by the way walton this is brent. brent this is walton
sprainedcake: hoy
PharaSekh: ok
disembrainer: now that were all lovers. lets get this started.
disembrainer: where at ?
disembrainer: dadarevolt? mortualis? or maybe pro_ana
sprainedcake: oh i thought we were just doing it on this
PharaSekh: mortualis sounds good.
PharaSekh: dadarevolt is for faggots only.
disembrainer: nah. this way it can go on forever.
disembrainer: yeah. its fun like that.
PharaSekh: i like dada, but making an icon out of it is worthless.
disembrainer: do you want to start it or shall i?
PharaSekh: then people start to think it means something.
disembrainer: talk to junko about that.
PharaSekh: I WANNA!
sprainedcake: what do you mean by "mean something"?
disembrainer: fine. make sure you outline the "rules"
PharaSekh: i am not sure what the rules are going to be. i really want a three syllable restriction.
sprainedcake: hm. absurdity has four. dammit
PharaSekh: i am thinking no one can respond to their own word.
disembrainer: i think a one central idea with no restriction on descriptions relating to it alone limit
disembrainer: and it has to be WORD ASSOCIATION
disembrainer: not fucking sounding impressive. whatever you associate with that.
disembrainer: associate being loosely defined.
sprainedcake: so we're all gonna be MEGA TOUGH right and punch people?
disembrainer: like your asshole.
PharaSekh: and that after so many responses a new original post will be made with a word based on the last response.
disembrainer: we hope so.
disembrainer: we can keep just one going
disembrainer: link the post from the "website" option in the mortualis info
sprainedcake: so if i think that any of this shit is beautiful, that's illegal, right?
disembrainer: you can think its beautiful.
sprainedcake: but it means i'm a hippy faggot right? OH PLEASE?
disembrainer: it can mean your a corn dog if you wish.
PharaSekh: how about we just post this chat conversation. people can read the converse and decide what to do themselves.
disembrainer: that works.
disembrainer: dont use a cut tag.
disembrainer: make the friends pages tremble
PharaSekh: well i am watching dagon now. bye. everybody clip this converse somewhere and we can compare notes when i am done.
PharaSekh: keep talking if you want.


started below is a chance at infinite word association. i will start. with a word. you then can reply to this word. or reply to any reply to this word. or any reply to this reply etc. with a word associated with it. please try to keep it as A_WORD. but you can use descriptors for the word. but no phrases:
such as "swirling faces in the toilet" but not "we walked to the park and bled four mortuaries"


i am hoping for a grand scheme here that outlives death. the way i see it all free association involves hesitation, but the first things that come to mind are usually the best. the hesitation between words can last from milliseconds to years, since there will be some one to pick up the last word eventually. this is a microcosym of how society originated.

enough sophism
start one word
reactive word follows, forever.

Thursday, February 20th, 2003
1:38 pm - chronicles from the crash grinder

the next entry will be random thoughts over the next hours/ starting at 1:40 p m and ending whenever the post date says.

sometimes i wish i was a naive romantic virgin.
are you happy?
are you happy?
are you happy?
no one got to hurt you, but you died on the inside.

draw the boy and girl nude in a meadow, pointing at stars.
one time i lied on a cement block in a field. god visited me then.
the closeness between people is usually measured by swords.

when people kiss they don't touch hearts, they touch masks.

ONLY A COWARD HAS ENEMIES. think of this: now hate for racism creates sympathy for racism. any extreme assumes there is and eventually develops a polar opposite. the only way to annihilate racism is to ignore the fact that it exists. if race were ignored from the start we would not have a problem with it now.

imagine hell as an abyss. there are things that happen, but they are unseen. there is a future, but it is untold. darkness is the end of what can be felt. in this way hell already exists and is tremendously beautiful. somepeople identify hell with suffering but i disagree with this notion. in truth hell is completely neutral and can be perceived in the most positive light.

recklessness is a virtue, praise the weird and wild thing. many people would like to tell you they are honest, they create patterns. be fitted for confusion. things come and go as surprises, so let them come and go.

draw the boy and girl holding hands as hell split the earth and weirdness climbs out.

a fool makes his house on solid ground. a fool makes his house on sand. make my house a boathouse in the mountains.

who need roots? i eat roots. knowing my roots would be understanding my next meal.

i have fucking issues with women. fucking issues.

what is the value of a man? i see him much like a dog. this dog, bitter animal, does many things. he rolls on his back and pisses on himself a little. he is submissive. when there is no leader around he goes looking for a leader. when he has no father he finds a father in his friends. he fucks women, even when they aren't around. a woman can love a dog for eating his own shit, he is only a dog. in this way be a dog, rude and whatever you wish. a good woman will forgive you.

seeing art ruins your art. feeling a woman warps the way you feel. and opponents architecture changes the way you build.

hunger of the mind starves the body. exercise of the body dulls the mind. culture no mind and build no body. try not and succeed.

buying an SUV, HUMMER, or anything requiring oil {especially a hot boyfriend} is worshiping satan. PROMISE.

music is fucking brainwashing. fucking brainwashing.

Wednesday, February 5th, 2003
2:28 pm - chaos theory, never really

chaos theory says that the further you predict into the future with given materia, the more deviance can occur. in this way the further you predict, then the less likely it is that your prediction will be accurate.

digital chaos theory means nothing like that. if you create a random schema, like say a sound recording of random beats, genuine music will occur. the listener may take whatever meaning, organization, appealation, or taste out of the music they want. if the artist jacks off, then meaning is still achieved. the meaning that the audience gives becomes valuable. an audience can listen to a work and associate values such as "so deep" or "this is shit! were did all the money in my pocket go?!" this is determined by cultural norms. all people are nothing more than a collection of cultural norms, memories and percetions of reality, and intellectual ideas

the mind is a void, much like an octupus, that bends itself into new situations. "I" is the final product of this ability. every idea is a solid tube to the mind. whenever an octupus sees a tube, it bends and distorts itself to fit into the tube. in this way the octupus is only the formation of the tubes it fills. HOWEVER this does not change the fact that it is still an octupus. the brain can distort itself and it's state, but never so much that it is no longer a brain, then it would no longer be a mind. freedom and independence are ultimately only containers that the brain can fill, but this does not mean they do not exist. ie, an automobile was originally an intellectual idea much like freedom. but then someone REALIZED this idea and brought about it's existence. in this way economy has weight and ultimately freedom has form.

in this way MATHMATICS and GEOMETRY are nonexistent, but the way the human mind perceives reality also allows him to change reality.
ultimately both are very real, can save your life, and are just as "true" as an arm or a leg.

think of the mind as architecture. when people say "you need a good foundation" it does not become hard to think this way. when an architect sees the facade of a building they can not help but let that structure influence their own style: they perpetuate an idea (MEME)allowing it to survive. in this way when a reader samples an author or speaks to a friend they can not help but reflect that personality. emotions and ideas are transfered. a reader interested in psychological materia becomes a psychologist for a time. by writing this "I"
perpetuate english thought. sometimes a person can read an author and begin to think and act like that author. if an architectural style is isolated it will continue to evolve. after time it can be with its cousin structures. this reflects the development of different communities that have common origins. people from different communities think and behave differently.the entire way we behave is based on what we think, so by changing what a person reads you change what they think. when you change what a person thinks you change the way they live.

i imagine the mind as an empty island. through learning houses are built on these islands. these houses influence behavior and living. several islands can have the same kind of house on them because the inhabitants steal the designs of there neighbors. a chain of islands with similar houses reflects a community. in truth this journal is not a "community" because our houses can be very different. it represents a "density" of people who happened to be in the region. still, all people have more in common than they do different

landscapes alter, and universes change. this is true for the mind. ideas growing over the mind conflicitng with each other, and competing for the resource they hunger for. human thought is transient not permanent. it is bendable, distortable, destroyable. the body and mind many resist torture but may ultimately fail.

Friday, January 31st, 2003
2:34 pm - idea slam v I

there are forms of music, very many. an annoying amount exists. where the hell is ether rock? no i am not refering to etheral goth ambient bull, ether rock! no moping or screaming, but a design based on mathematics, numerology, and the calculations of alchemists. there are schemes to it, patterns of sound. it should take a scientist to formulate, a metahuman to calcualate, and iconoclasts to pontificate into the Existence. real sounds, bent by humans and philosophy, formal operations style.

imagination does not replace humanity.
fantasy does not destroy reality.
acting makes us more like people,
than we could ever be originally.

what the hell am i supposed to put in this thing? i think there should be a huge call for the "livejournal rage" interest. alt "no damn friends" alt "insignificance." maybe i would understand what the people wanted if i was actually a human being instead of an astral construct. whatever, i guess.

what is up with bandaids? they aren't very musical. the bandaid company should pay me a huge settlement, i cut myself severly just to activate the bandaid, the only thing i could do without instructions. feeding the bandaid blood accomplished nothing, my guitar skills refused to improve. i went to the store trying to find blood batteries or anything that would help activate the damn things. maybe i could use some human blood. i am going to make a tape of me shaving my entire body in protest of bandaids, assholes.

PBS is the master of reality television, with 19century house, frontier house, and soon to come pioneer house. they also showed a BBS production of wartime britain house, or something like that. i am waiting for trench house, based on the trench warfare that dominate ww1. this way we get to see rotting bodies, the constant whirr of incoming shells, the scent of corpses and open latrines. piss and shit will pour into the dugouts the contestants try to live in. they will have to drink there water mud blood and all. there will be the occasional drowning of people who tried to lay down and rest, weak to lift their necks out of the mud. oh, and did i mention the feline sized rats that curl up next to you when you try to sleep. the rations will be stained in blood and covered in maggots. try to sleep on the fire step with that enemy maxim machine gun flowing with the stars over your head. the contestants have to look at the clouds, avoiding a mundane abyss of collapsing dirt walls. the faces of other men aren't enough to keep you happy, they just remind you of how sad and skeletal you would look if you stared into a mirror. artillery batteries bombard your foxhole, and all of this is on a very good day. on a bad day mustard gas causes you to drown in your own lungs. all down the line you hear screaming "gas! gas!" bodies roll out and around in epileptic fits. that would be and education in television.

http://www.nocturne.com/nobilis the floilegium section has shorts from very talented people. most of it is noise, but a person can gate through it with little irritation.
Monday, January 27th, 2003
11:31 am - My Contribution

Ghovinda has admonished me for not posting here as I promised. I did promise, so here it is... the only poem I have ever written in earnest. It was written when I was a child. I'd like to say five or six but the truth is closer to seventeen.

The wind will blow
And it shall show
That you are afraid
You are afraid
And the bell will clang
And the shudders bang
And you are in bed
Just like I said
8:50 am - head of the dada fount

In A Post-Apocalyptic World, Who Would You Be?

brought to you by Quizilla

promised myself i would never do an online quiz again. whatever, i guess.

modern: life is simple. there will soon be a conversion of the whitewolf storyteller system and the interlock of cyberpunk 2020. it has been along time since my last internet are scavenge, i might try that out again. i have been using http://www.epitonic.com to scrounge music. this stands strong as a solid site. writing a screenplay, though i still have no idea what the hell it is about. it will bake over the next 8 months. decided it was time to get my glasses fixed, a hair cut, some new clothing, and a good job. sell my art cheap, you buy.


eliver snorgle
sarva mel und telleverse
basher tel mundo

17 8 4
90 18 20 6
16 3 2 9

pedal on lion nose
his brain is made of honey
roar like silver force


whim zing clickclick fwoo
dangching kerchunk crash zim bam
chitchit kerblashan
Friday, January 24th, 2003
11:07 am - entertainment.


TV Report Sparks Occult Fears in Germany

The house, near Kassel, where the alleged act of cannibalism took place

Just weeks after Germany became exposed to the reality of cannibalism, a television report has whipped up a fresh media storm.

Cannibalism hit the headlines in Germany at the end of last year with news of the gruesome last moments in the life of a 42-year-old homosexual man, who willingly agreed to his own murder.

Investigators believe the victim, Bernd Jürgen B. was fully aware of his situation, and of the intentions of his murderer to eat his flesh after killing him at his house near the city of Kassel.

The horrific crime, to which a 41-year-old computer systems expert has confessed, unleashed a wave of concern surrounding access via the internet to even the most bizarre of cult practices. The two men met in an internet chat room after the victim responded to one of dozens of ads placed by the suspect, looking for ‘hunks to slaughter’.

Television report

The latest furore was sparked by a report transmitted earlier this week on Germany's public television station ZDF about cannibalism and cult rituals within the federal borders. The report contains testimony by two women and a young child, who claim to have witnessed horrifying occult rituals, in which people were murdered and sometimes eaten.

A report in the German news magazine, Der Spiegel says that following the ZDF programme, the district attorney’s office in the southern German city of Trier has announced it is investigating several suspects in connection with "sexual practices against an occultist background." Trier’s Chief District Attorney, Georg Jüngling, said the report described “horrible, almost unimaginable things”.

Jüngling, who has been investigating occultist claims by a 34-year-old woman since last year, added that the program had turned up some new details which would now have to be investigated. But he declined to comment on the reported Satanic acts of murder and cannibalism.

The report also provoked a comment from the German Minister of Justice, Brigitte Zypries. Speaking to the television network ‘News 24’, Zypries said that reported cases of occult practices in Trier should be taken seriously. She called on the German states to investigate the reports.

No Hard Evidence

Such reports about cannibalism are bound, if not designed to unleash both fear and skepticism. Speaking on ZDF, Sect Representative for the Evangelical Church, Ingolf Christiansen said “there is a lot of circumstantial evidence which points at groups which carry out such extreme and publicly dangerous crimes”. And if the estimates given by Psychologist Rudolf Egg from the Centre of Criminology in Wiesbaden are anything to go by, then at least several hundred people in Germany are passively involved in bizarre occult practices.

Yet for all the estimation and circumstantial evidence, there appears so far to be no firm proof. With the Minister of Justice calling on the Federal states to set the wheels of investigation turning, perhaps it is simply a matter of time before a little light is shed on the currently dark occult rituals.


Wednesday, January 22nd, 2003
5:49 am - I accept your Dare...

I was aksed to post here... I almost never use my journal, so I will just leave my website - should be dark and ephemiral enough, for most of you</font></font>

current mood: mellow
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